I had an epiphany the other day (two weeks ago, but whatever). The past doesn't matter, or at least it shouldn't. Why do we hold on to the memories of things that hurt us? Do we think it will prevent us from being hurt again; does it give us this false sense of being in control? I know for me, I felt a sense of security in holding on to those memories and that anger. Anger kept me safe, or so I thought. In hindsight, that was really really stupid. Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go. I held onto my anger for so long that it literally changed me as a person...and not in a pretty way. Without going into too much detail, I was the worst version of myself I could be (I left a paper trail of embarrassing anger fueled tumblr posts that I'm not proud of to prove it, 'nuff said). All because I was too damn stubborn to change my perspective. I had wasted so much of my time and energy being angry that I never got closure, but in the end it was entirely up to me to gain that closure all along...I just needed to let go, go figure.
I had allowed my anger to turn me into a bitter, pessimistic asshole quite honestly. I've done a tremendous amount of growing since then, and the person I am now is absolutely mortified by how out of touch with reality I was because my mind was literally consumed with anger. It was like a virus. My mind had become toxic. I had become toxic. I'd become everything that I hated in other people. But then something happened. I don't know if something just clicked in my head, if I was just flying on a high from a great week, or if the stars aligned or some shit, but out of the blue I just got it, finally. The only reason I wasn't able to move on was because I was the one that wasn't letting go. I wasn't accepting that it all happened in the past and dwelling on the past serves no purpose to the person I want to be today, the person I want and strive to be tomorrow. And what was I holding on to anyways? I'm no longer the same person I was, so what use do I have for the anger that I harbor from things that happened in my past, when I was a different person? It took me too long to realize that I was hindering my own growth all along. My anger was dragging me away from the person I wanted to be, and I was a fool for not letting go sooner.
When I came to that realization, it was a hard pill to swallow, but with accepting my mistakes and forgiving myself came something I wasn't expecting...closure. I was able to accept the mistakes made and forgive people who had hurt me. When I looked at myself, and how far I've come from a lot of mistakes that I've made, I realized that I was being stubborn and selfish by not forgiving mistakes of other people. I was so caught up with my own anger and hurt that I couldn't even acknowledge that we are all just humans and we make mistakes, thats how we learn. I've made a ton of mistakes, and I would feel really awful if someone hated the person I am now based off of my mistakes in the past, so I was basically being the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. I think people in general are too harsh on each other because we hurt too much. Hurting makes us selfish and self centered. Changing my perspective allowed me to forgive, and in return I was forgiven and I was able to heal. Now I am focusing on growing, on leaving things in the past, and never forgetting it's all about perspective. If you're feeling stuck on something from your past try looking at it through different eyes, you might be surprised at how wrong your eyes saw it in the first place.
The ocean has been a huge source of energy and tranquility since I was a little girl sitting on the end of my dad's surfboard. Something about the natural metronome has always calmed my thoughts, and made me see things a bit clearer. Nature keeps me grounded, and appreciative of all the beauty that's around me, and I wanted to share a video that soothed my thoughts for a sliver of time (I'll take it where I can get it!). I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.